


The Throes of my soul, I still don't understand.

by It_is_Rene_Now



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angry Kye Riddell, Angst, BAMF Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Colossus titan - Freeform, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, He/Him and She/Her Pronouns for Clay | Dream, Healing, Hurt Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, I should tell you the loss of limbs is not Dreams sorry, Idiots in Love, If you didn't know Kye Riddell is Illumina, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Mentioned at least - Freeform, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Not Canon Compliant, Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, but it's actually, it happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 14:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30140703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/It_is_Rene_Now/pseuds/It_is_Rene_Now
Summary: There was synergy and they were a perfect Team Illumina and Dream, together some of the strongest Titans couldn't last against the onslaught.But Accidents happen, feelings are misread and this is the aftermath, and maybe the beginning of a new understanding.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Kye Riddell, Clay | Dream & Niki | Nihachu, Clay | Dream/Kye Riddell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	The Throes of my soul, I still don't understand.

**Author's Note:**

> MUAHAHAHA AOT X MCYT ANYONE?
> 
> Sorry it's shorter I just wanted to pump out a fanfic today since I won't be able to for a little while, I've been working on rewrites and beginning Online School officially and I'm hoping to get through 2 courses within the next 2-3 months if I can,
> 
> I didn't know 100% how to write and developed Illumina in this since I have watched him and he's a bit OOC anyways due to tragic circumstance and the world they experience in this AU
> 
> None of AOT is Canonical

Dream sighs, stretching wiry and toned muscles as he prepares to go out again, plans on slaying some lingering titans over in Shiganshina, a place that brought bad memories for Illumina and herself both.

  
  


Sighing deeply, he prepared himself, pulling on his 3d maneuvering gear to rest comfortably against her hips, knowing that they would be put to much use in this upcoming mission, he couldn't help but grimace as he remembered her current…  _ situation  _ with those on her team, Illumina and himself had gotten into a large fight, Dream unable to muster up her usual wit to fight against the onslaught of negative emotions that eventually infected her whole team towards him.

  
  


But Dream knew there was no place for emotions to negatively affect her teammates' performances, no matter how hurtful or wrong the situation was, his one goal that he kept in mind since he lost his parents since he lost the second pair of Parent's in Illumina's family as well…

  
  


Dream was here to protect Illumina, just like she had promised all those years ago.

  
  


So the Prodigy of the current generation of Titan Slayers, the Survey Corps' dictated Second Strongest Titan Killer-  _ Second only to Technoblade himself-  _ closed the door behind her, a sense of finality in it that no longer scared him.

  
  


As long as Illumina would live through it, was a repetitive thought process she followed religiously, with no regard for his own life in the equation.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was common knowledge among the corps- if you weren't the most oblivious person ever, so focused on ending the existence of Titans  **_coughcoughIlluminacoughcough-_ ** that Dream was solely dedicated to Illumina's wellbeing, a special kind of brokenness rested inside the sole of the Masked Soldier that despite most people here being alive, still fighting, still  _ trying  _ for whatever goal they had, childhood trauma caused by the death of their family to titans, or various reasons, none of them had seen someone so solely basing the worth of their life after the existence of another.

  
  


Back when Illumina and Dream first got out of the corps, the two were inseparable, and seeing them together made most Titans with a brain or a sliver of intelligence fear for their lives, purely because of the amount of synergy they had. Though it was a well-known fact Dream was enough to make titans run all by herself, the second strongest Soldier, and that fact hadn't bothered Illumina until the incident where a large Colossus Titan had revealed itself within their walls, a Titan Shifter, and was trained in its skill.

  
  


The blasts of energy it let off were catastrophic and not to be taken lightly even now, killing hundreds of survey members in its original transformation before going on to slaughter dozens more before being stopped by the combined force of Technoblade, Dream, and Illumina though indirectly, as the Colossus Titan had ended up slaughtering all of Illumina's team with ease, and in a fit of emotion, some sort of built-up rage that had been simmering since his family's death, and the blood bath and pain he witnessed everyone suffer through as he cut through titans with desperation.

  
  


He was unstable and  _ vulnerable  _ and the Titan saw that, going to grasp Illumina from below while he was solely hyperfocused on cutting the nape of the beast about 50-55 meters above the ground below.

  
  


Dream, of course, had seen that and came swooping in with the speed he was known for, slicing up the arm grasping for Illumina shallowly due to Dream's focus lying in Agility, Precision, Trickery, Tools, and Speed, weakening the titan enough for Technoblade to go in with a large amount of the other elites like George, Sapnap, Bad, Wilbur, Philza, and many others of the unnameable corps, but no less instrumental to the defeat of the titan, who in the last-ditch attempt to slay as many as it could, went for Illumina once again who watched on with vicious satisfaction as the Titan was being torn down, the large hand covering its neck being shredded with each attack and explosion, even losing the arm of one Wilbur Soot, one of the best elites they had for the sake of taking it down.

  
  


Dream flung Illumina out of the way before the large hand, although smaller from the tears and blood soaking it, had smashed Dream into a nearby wall, knocking her unconscious, and left vulnerable.

  
  


After that the dynamic had changed, Illumina's haze of disgust and hatred for the Titans- and maybe even himself- took over the usual calm focus he adopted when he was in control of his actions, Dream attempting to rekindle their chemistry, but being harshly shot down each time with various expressions of hatred and dislike at her disposition to protect Illumina.

  
  


Illumina was injured so he fell back inability due to his healing time, and the fact he could no longer non-volatile-ly interact with Dream who soon re-entered battle against Humanity's threats, and what lies beyond.

* * *

  
  
  
  


Illumina did not allow himself to watch as Dream entered the room with the same cold grace that haunted his thoughts, the emotions that welled up inside scaring him and destroying any semblance of self-control he thought he once had, all down the drain the day Dream decided Illumina's life was above his.

  
  


Or maybe that had always been what Dream had thought, saw Illumina as needing her protection and being useless on his own against the horrors of the Titans that took away both of their families, Dream's twice-  _ now three times _ \- and Illumina's once-  _ is it Twice now? Is Dream no longer someone he considers family _ ?- but inside truly Illumina knew…

  
  


_ Dream never saw him as useless or weak, there was something inside of Dream that broke the same way Illumina's calm and sensibility snapped when they both lost Illumina's family, as hovering and nasty as they could be some times after Illumina's brother's death in the corps, Illumina could barely find time to breathe and wished death upon his parents for that, which he received, and the last words spoken between Illumina's Mother and Dream was a promise to be kept until death. _

  
  


_ It solidified the need for Dream's existence to be solely for Illumina's well-being and nobody had time to focus on changing that, not yet at least. _

  
  


_ And potentially not ever. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


Illumina dragged himself out of his thoughts like pulling a dirty-cat towards the water or dragging Technoblade into interacting in a casual capacity with Bad who for some reason made the Strongest Soldier  _ scared,  _ which Illumina to no end found funny, even now when his thoughts were red and his mind dyed with various hues of hatred and anger that covered up any other emotions he allowed himself.

  
  


He found it in himself to face the front, where the three strongest Soldiers stood, said to be worth Hundreds of Elites Individually, and thousands by each other's side.  _ Each other's side? Illumina was the one who stood by Dream when they grew up and struggled wasn't he? _

  
  


_ Or truly wasn't it Dream who stood by Illumina's? For him not even to look back as he stumbled towards his goal of slaying all the titans. _

  
  


He did not allow himself to linger in those thoughts, because the all-consuming rage that he bore kept him awake at night and able to train for hours without stop, until he reached the peak strength he once was at, when it was just him and Dream against the world, truly.

  
  


"Alright!" Philza clapped his hands together with a smile, the third strongest Soldier was the best at aerial maneuvering and complex strategies yes, but he was also the best at communicating to the corps as a whole, Technoblade preferring to stick beside Philza, Niki, and Dream, and Dream being quite unsociable as a whole with her mask and tendency for single-minded but open-minded intensity everyone admired in the passionate soldier, that though they hadn't realized it yet, was passionate for a sole reason.

  
  


"There have been many incidents over in Shiganshina especially with the influx of titans particularly Jaw titans though we've seen a few Female titans and one Attack titan, and they've been strangely tactical about their attacks which leads me to believe an intelligent Beast Titan who's been slowly converting people into titans is at work for this, we've lost many corpse members over the past few weeks, so we're calling in the elite forces to deal with the Female Titan and hopefully if we catch sight of it, the Beast Titan." As he mentioned the Beast Titan he sighed, gesturing to the three strongest Soldiers, "If you catch sight of it, allow one of us to deal with it, although if we're incapacitated then try finding Niki, Puffy, Bad, or Wil- Illumina if needed for directions."

  
  


That was a big position of trust to be considered after the three soldiers for leadership, even if Illumina flinched at the fact Wilbur, a comatose and crippled man was considered an option before  _ him  _ even when it was a well-known fact the Soldier was downed from the Colossus Titan, probably permanently.

  
  


Dark and Angry eyes met a smiley mask, even without seeing Dream's face he could tell what the other was projecting.

  
  


_ Do not be angry at Philza for practically mourning Wilbur, you are strong, and were one of the best of us not too long ago, you can be great again please just don't lose yourself doing that. _

  
  
  


Maybe it was too late to prevent the loss of who Illumina once was.

  
  
  
  
  


Techno wacked Dream on the back of the head while everyone was entranced by Philza, and then looking to the Soldiers mentioned after the three Strongest for guidance, as if this was all a competition of Skill and not life-threatening, because one was easier to swallow than the other sometimes, and they did what they could to preserve what little positivity they could.

  
  


Beast Titans could be catastrophic if the user is intelligent enough and with the attacks planned by the Titans and the losses they suffered.

  
  


Some doubted how much they could really do against a united force.

* * *

  
  


Dream found himself relishing in the way the breeze and winds whipped around her, channeling his speed into a blur as she swooped around, many smaller titans of 3-6 meter classes were brought down by the weaker links in the chain, those 7-10 were dealt with by the bottom-to-middle elites and 11-15 were dealt with by the Upper elites. 

  
  


Though of course, absent-mindedly those on the Upper Levels like Niki and Ill-  _ not right now, now is for focus-  _ swooped in to assist when needed, mostly they took on the above 15 meter Titans as few as those were, they were also the most worrisome and a taste of the strength of the Beast Titan they would be fighting, even then the 15+ meters were simple if just time-consuming to take down unless you know, they were snatching the lower corpse members and crushing them between their jaws.

  
  


Despite the horror and the bloodshed Dream allows himself to swing and launch to the highest peak he can allow herself to and drops into a dive, a free fall that brings levity and clarity in crashing waves of adrenaline, lulling Dream to just indulge and feel the wind on his skin forever, to die in the wind would be the one thing Dream wants for herself, besides the fact she knows he cannot die until her duty as the promise, the keeper and the protector Illumina's parent's death and their last words had solidified for their Son.

  
  


Speaking of Illumina, Dream quickly activates her 3d Manuervering Gear to latch onto the nape of a 15-meter Female Titan who swooped through the elites who were stupidly distracted, bashing skulls into walls and armoring her nape, easily breaking the swords of many who tried direct attacks, but that is where Dream came in, clever maneuvering, strange concoctions and strategies no other dares to try because that is what Dream built her abilities, his reputation as one of the best on besides the general speed every soldier will one day hone.

  
  


If they live that long, seeing how they recklessly and stupidly charge for the Female Titan as Dream distracts it with an explosive cartridge that would distract the Titan from covering its nape, Illumina seeing the chance had gone in for a swoop, but a stray corps member had slashed at the Females Shoulder, intending to reach the Nape but failed, getting flung away and her attention turned on Illumina who was headed straight for what used to be the back of her neck but was now her jaw.

  
  


At that moment, many things became clear to Dream that maybe she would never face, never would he get the chance to sort through the hazy feelings he numbed until her only focus, her only purpose was Illumina and his well being, as he flies forwards ready to once again sacrifice everything for Illumina, he wonders if this is how it would always be, and how it would always end.

  
  


Love had no place on the battlefield, but as Dream shoved Illumina away once more, Emerald-Blues once empty now filled with a new light that would be snuffed out as soon as it began met Dark Black filled with an endless rage that melted into horror and loss, and there was a raw love, real and true in its meanings that was buried under the machinations of the world, and would be torn apart before it bloomed.

  
  


"Dream!" Illumina called out as the jaw began enclosing around the lax Soldier, too tired to still fight, the overwhelming relief of the burden of his suffocating feelings was finally gone, and despite what Dream might want, maybe wanting to li

  
  


There was no hope as Teeth sunk into skin, until out of nowhere-

  
  


A Blur of Red and Pink came flying in with the strength only the best of the best possessed, slicing the jaw of the Female Titan swiftly and hooking himself around Dream who was bloody from the teeth marks in her skin, but still functional and awake.

  
  


Maybe there was a realization, something that could be born in the embers of the light that nearly died out.

  
  


Maybe. Just Maybe.

  
  
  


* * *

It was rough after the large fight, Techno, Dream, and Philza going on to defeat the Beast who was more Brain and knowledge of his capabilities in the theoretical rather than the physical, though it was a bit of a challenge when the female Titan Techno had left the elites to slay, had not, in fact, been slain and intercepted the fight, Philza and Dream moving on to tag-team her while Techno tore down the Beast.

  
  


No witness of Dream's practical self-sacrificial suicide attempt had spoken a word to each other as Niki patched Dream up, Illumina flickering his view between his hands and Dream multiple times as they headed back to recuperate and as the buildings began rebuilding once the Titans were all destroyed.

  
  


Illumina fought the urge that came back tenfold to be by Dream's side once more, all he knew at the moment was that maybe Dream hadn't done any of this for his weakness… but rather because there was something else Driving Dream before that was given peace as Dream- as Dream had nearly died.

  
  


Dream had looked accepting of death.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The healing process was never easy, as Illumina found himself contemplating what he knew before he would confront Dream privately.

  
  


But the time he got to consult the deepest throes of his thoughts were over as he was directed to the medical area where Dream was, nodding to Niki who gave him a steely stare, well knowledgeable on the fight between the two and was one of Dream's closest comrades, a friend even after Illumina's indirect abandonment of Dream.

  
  


Illumina wasn't expecting to see the bundle of emotions buried and unraveling in Emerald-Blues, awake and alert as Illumina froze, the door shutting close with an easily ignorable click.

  
  


Emotions poured like a waterfall into the emptiness of his heart that slowly filled, not quite complete but it would get there, as he sat beside Dream who laid her palm flat beside her, as Illumina hesitantly took his hand and put it on top of Dreams, the Emerald-Blues filling with a softer wave of emotion and a sort of sickening sadness that filled Illumina with nausea as he realized how long he had been looking forwards, leaving Dream behind and accusing the other of moving away and far beyond  _ his  _ reach. 

  
  


He now understood there was a missing conversation, that they needed to communicate to each other because he missed the feeling of sitting beside Dream, standing beside him and waking beside him even, and he wanted that back even if it meant to but the burning pot of need to eliminate all titans on simmer instead.

  
  


Words were never their language, never had been and never will be, but they would talk it out eventually, but for now, they basked in the presence of the other, a sense of peace and tension lying to rest as they spoke a silent conversation with their eyes.

  
  


Illumina leaned down, moving over to look on top of Dream who gazed at him, lips quirking up into a smile, usual smiley mask gone and broken from the female titan once more.

  
  


"You can," was all Dream had said, a soft smile on his lips as she moved calloused hands from training to the back of the fluffy blackish-brown hair that lingered in Illumina's face as he bent down closer, lips barely touching as Dream brought the other closer.

  
  


In the existence of shattered and broken hearts that lasted evermore between them, years of trauma and hurt built up from miscommunication and degradation of feelings, it slowly began to heal with a soft press of lips, the fluttering of eyelids, and the wholeness they felt in the moment.

  
  


It would never be perfect in this world, but it was enough for now.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to hype me up in the comments (Please do) because I enjoy reading every single comment I get ;') honestly, I spend ages going through and saving them all, not deleting a single one since they all make me so happy :D
> 
> I Appreciate all of your support, thank you, and until next time!


End file.
